I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
