So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
