when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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