He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
