My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
