I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
