Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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