Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
