Your face is a jimmy john
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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