Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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