Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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