He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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