somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
