Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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