i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
