My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
