my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
