Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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