Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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