don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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