This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
