If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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