we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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