WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
