hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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