the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
