I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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