So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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