Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
