I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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