Don't make out with my wife yet
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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