I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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