We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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