no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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