I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
