AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
