we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
