News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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