Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
