I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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