Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
