Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
