he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
