im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
