I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
