its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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