Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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