he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
