I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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