ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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