Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You brought string cheese to the strip club
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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