I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
