It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
